Hi everyone, so it's been about two months since I started my secondary 3 year with new classmates and some old ones! All my good friends are taking different subject combinations so we were reluctantly separated into different classes. Right from the start I knew that there would probably already be people who have prejudice against me based on negative rumours/issues during the past 2 years I was in the school. (More details why later on)
Although I've tried to accept and come to terms with being 'infamous', it still hurts me that there are still some who are judging me for something that I've already long forgotten about.
Especially since these haters have long past crossed the line between mere gossiping to cyber bullying. This may not come as a surprise but I've been getting hate, negative criticism from people who probably don't know me well personally. Most of my hate comes from Ask.fm, an online social networking site where questions can be sent in by other users or anonymously. The anonymity is a very good way for cowards to send in comments shaming others. In my case, they have TRIED to insult my attitude, my singing skills (or lack thereof), my academics and more trivial redundant things which I forgot about since it doesn't mean a great deal to me.
A few screenshots of the hate I've received just in this past month. There's more down below.
Credits to Lisa and Jas for all the tumblr memes!
Let's first start with the reasons why I get hate in a chronological order.
What kind of started the whole general dislike towards me was when I was temporary class chairman in Sec 1. I didn't ask for that position, I was just trying to make new friends in an environment that I've never been in before and I wanted to make a new start after graduating from Primary School. Naturally, being me, I was really talkative and my form teacher just picked me to be in charge of the class for that reason.
I'll admit, I USED to be REALLY BOSSY. Power gets into my head, and I start to shout at people. Being the class temporary chairman, I tried to befriend everyone in the class, invited everyone to sit together at this certain table during recess and created a class group where we could interact and bond.
At first it was all fun and games but with big groups there would surely be conflicts. As my classmates made their own circle of friends and sat with others during recess, I felt as if I was losing friends just like in primary school.
I grabbed on to them, not letting them leave and annoyed them even more, it's no wonder they decided to find other better friends! I cried, as people started to think differently about me.
I was left with this one friend, but she had to choose between me and another bigger group of friends. I was annoying, whiny and angry and I don't blame her for leaving now although at that time I was really depressed and mad.
As if things weren't looking bad enough already, a few weeks later when everyone was still adjusting to school, I had a major disagreement with another class' chairman which led to a rivalry between us. Unintentionally, we dragged my class and her class into it. To top it off, we're both really competitive people...
I actually really don't remember what it was about! But after whatever happened, she badmouthed me in her class WhatsApp group. Naturally when I found out, I got angry, defended myself and bitched back about her in my class group. Screenshots of both groups were exchanged and the conflict got even more heated.
The majority of the people pissed with me in both classes told their 'Angels' in the 'Angels and Mortals' game about me. This is a TKGS tradition where sec 2 seniors write to their juniors in their previous class to make them feel welcomed and less shy during the sec 1's orientation.
After a while the other class chairman and I just stopped talking to one another and it cooled down a bit. We're actually cool now, I hope we don't have hard feelings! We aren't close but we don't shoot daggers at one another anymore haha! She's admirable in some ways. I find that her leadership skills are very good, maybe I ought to learn from her!
I wanted to try new things so I made a YouTube cover of Cher Lloyd's 'Want U Back' which is seriously so so embarrassing. My hair was tied in this awkward side pony tail, I was wearing home clothes and I had this fake accent (I'LL ADMIT IT, what was I even thinking?!) I even forgot the lyrics three quarter into the song. However, for some reason I thought it was still 'cool' and 'acceptable' so I uploaded it foolishly.
The response wasn't that bad since I wasn't that 'infamous' yet and no one really talked about it although it had garnered quite a bit of views.
Then in March of 2013 I got a boyfriend. (I've never mentioned this before in my blog) Since we were only in sec 1, many people were still quite immature so they made a HUGE fuss out of this and about half of the cohort knew and gossiped about it. They even knew the name of the boy! But I didn't really care. I think my form teacher at that time caught the drift of the gossip and tried to interrogate the truth out from me hahaha but to no avail (We broke up after 3 months, in case you didn't know and were curious)
Again, I don't really remember what happened but I was just really bossy for projects. When my peers made mistakes, I would snap at them instead of listening to an explanation.
Just like before, no one would like to be friends with someone is controlling, so I was alone until my parents finally knocked some sense into my head after so many years and I started to change for the better.
I started with simple things, example: Instead of assigning someone to do a task like I did so in the past, I'll now ask the group members what they are more comfortable with doing.
Slowly, I made new friends. They weren't the cool and popular kind, I would have preferred at that time but they were really nice and accepting. I am so so grateful for them. We were all very different so it was hard to get along at first but we tolerated each other. Jasmine's fangirling for Star Trek, Sherlock and Doctor Who, Asfar's emo-ness and my irritating ways... Yeah we made a pretty weird trio.
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| Hey don't insult my friends! |
Then there came a time where The Cup Song in Pitch Perfect was the biggest trend and I decided to upload a video of my friend and I singing an original mashup of a few songs with the cup song tune while wearing our SCHOOL UNIFORM onto YouTube.
I shared it on my social sites and people who saw it shared it too. It went viral in my school. VIRAL! I had 1200+ views which I don't think is that much but many people in my school were talking about it, including the seniors. Most of the comments were actually positive but the attention made me even more 'infamous'. To be honest, I thought that it was a nice video since our mashup was cool, my singing was just a little weak.
I kept the video up until recently when my friend requested for it to be taken down because her parents found out and didn't approve. I think that was that was the only video I wasn't ashamed of hahahaha
Things started to get better bit by bit :) I was happier and my classmates started to accept me. It was seriously nice of them to do that. Thank you!
Surprisingly I still did decently for my sec 1 examinations and that motivated me to be the top of the class. I stressed myself a lot while sticking to my best friends but all in all my Sec 2 year was okay, considering that my classmates and I all adjusted well to one another already.
Thinking back, some of my classmates probably thought I was a show off because I'll get really happy when I receive my marks and run off excitedly. I don't think I've ever said my marks out loud without being asked though, I just look super pumped up and they ask me. Maybe I wasn't being sensitive and they felt hurt when they compared my marks with their own. I remember this conversation I had with my classmate during script checking at the end of last year:
"Jermaine how much did you get?"
Me: "If I say later people say I show off again
"no la, I ask you then you say, like that not show off what"
Obviously that logic doesn't apply for everyone since some found me attention seeking and a show off just because it is shown on my face that I'm happy about scoring well. My friend told me that I bring it up when it isn't necessary sometimes, and that gave people the impression that I was arrogant.
But the main problem in sec 2 was CmPS. Basically, CmPS is an acronym for Community Problem Solving where we identify an underlying problem within the community and come up with plans and actions to solve it. At first we were assigned into groups of 6 and I actually enjoyed CmPS but when the class chose to represent my group's project, it became a larger scale project that involved my whole class. Unfortunately, I was one of the few, if not the only one that liked CmPS.
Therefore, when I asked the class for opinions during discussions, they didn't respond or wanted to change the idea completely or replied, in my opinion, quite rudely. So after a while, I was pretty much fed up and done with CmPS. I started to lose my temper when people didn't finish their assigned tasks, slacked or was unproductive during CmPS periods.
I changed back to my old ways and became bossy again... My relationship with the class worsened again :( We ended CmPS on a bad note and more people from other classes heard about how I was demanding I was :(
I thought that the buzz would die down soon since CmPS was over. It died down but it was too late, many of my schoolmates already had bad impressions of me. And it wasn't anyone's fault but mine...
I should have learnt my lesson and just kept a low profile but after the Final Year Examinations, just a few weeks before school term ended, I stupidly uploaded a cover on YouTube of Ariana Grande's 'Break Free'. I didn't think it was THAT bad but apparently it was entertaining (in a bad way) and it went viral AGAIN in my school to the extent that even some teachers heard it and told me it was good. There was a mix of response, those who thought it was okay/good and those who thought it so horribly bad that they treated it as a joke. Needless to say which one the majority thought.
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| At least these two tried to be nice |
During the school holiday, the video and my academic results circulated more and more. I started to unhappily accept the impending doom that I would be in a class with all new classmates next year that probably already heard many negative rumours and stories about me.
And I was right! First week of sec 3 was miserable, there were a few 'popular girls' in class that made fun of my cover, and teased me. (especially during Outward Bound Camp which you can read here: link) For a whole month, I dreaded school, I didn't want to even have to face them. They didn't even know me at all during the past 2 years! Everything they heard were based on others' judgements.
But I really didn't want to make any enemies, I was so sick of being hated on for something that happened so long ago, something I've already tried and is still trying to change from. I wasn't affected by it, but I was just... Tired. I don't want to make enemies, I'm going to be in this class for two years!
Fortunately, after remaining silent and keeping a low profile, I heard that their perceptions of me changed and they were neutral towards me. At least, I hope so! Likewise, I started off being wary of them too, but after getting to know them better, I realised that they have both their good and bad points :)
Maybe because of my OBS blog post and because I didn't particularly like my class since I was alone most of the time, people started to think that I hated some people in class. All of a sudden I was bombarded with questions about who I hated in the class on Ask.fm. It was entertaining at first since it was funny that they thought I would actually say it online where it can be screenshot and sent to everyone.
Just in case it wasn't clear in my answers, I don't hate anyone. Hate is a really strong word, hating someone is a waste of my time and my energy. It's too tiring to hold a grudge. I'll rather just dislike or be indifferent to someone. But I'm fine with my class now, I really am. Nothing's perfect, it's not going to be easy but I'll accept that :)
Another eventful incident that happened just last month is something that didn't directly involved me. I was just too overly-concerned about a friend, and busybody (ya la I am.) Vivian, who was a friend of my close friend, Lisa, was bullied by her classmate who added a mysterious number into their class WhatsApp group. The mysterious number (we eventually found out his identity) pretended to be Vivian's boyfriend.
In front of 37 other classmates, the two of them made inappropriate jokes about Vivian, Vivian's boyfriend and Vivian's boyfriend's mother. They made crude sexual jokes in front of the WHOLE class and didn't even feel sorry! They even tried to turn the tables and said Vivian was asking for it.
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| Ignore the numbers |
There's much more of this convo but this was the general idea.
We supported Vivian by comforting her and standing by her side as she reported the bullying. The teacher decided to do nothing and we got mad that nothing was going to be done to the shallow girl that added the number. How can she just get away with it?
So whenever this girl was in the vicinity, I would shout out the name of the mysterious man just to provoke her and let her know that we know his identity and how she was related to him. It was silly, I know but we couldn't do much since the teacher was so unhelpful and Vivian didn't want the matter to blow too big. (I have her permission for this entry though)
The girl told her friend who just like me, wanted to stand up for her friend too. But this friend only heard one side of the story and WhatsApp-ed me so the argument was pretty invalid. The girl who created the mess texted me herself and I tried to be nice and polite by handling it in a mature and firm way but she got so caught up in her own lies we found loopholes in her defence. She was contradicting herself and we had proof! A bit pathetic la haha but in the end, she stopped replying since she knew she was losing. Till now, she still doesn't think she is wrong nor have the guts to do anything more than gossip about my group of friends and I to her clique. As if we care hahaha
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| The double blue sticks means the person I sent the message to have read the message. |
So what were my intentions after telling such a long story?
My point is that I KNOW that I've done something wrong. I KNOW that I've made shameful and embarrassing mistakes and choices. And I am sorry to everyone I have shouted at, sorry to everyone I have bossed around. Sorry if I had ever hurt your feelings unintentionally. I will change okay? Slowly, but surely I will change. And I will proof to you with time, I can change to become an even better person. All I ask is for that chance for me to show you :)
And instead of badmouthing me when I do something you don't like, have the guts to tell me so I can reflect and improve on it.
However, I am NOT sorry for uploading those dumb videos onto YouTube and for writing my all my blog posts. It's my blog, it's my YouTube, it's choice, not anyone else's.
My mistakes and choices may have humiliated me so much I cringe at the mention of it, but I got over it. In fact, I'll just keep making more mistakes in the future by uploading even more covers and if you don't like it, simple, just don't listen to it.
Also, lastly, I am NOT sorry for being confident. I am NOT sorry for being happy about my results, I worked hard, I deserve to be proud of myself. If I was insensitive to anyone and showed off unintentionally, I'm sorry.
In conclusion, after reading some of the things that I've went through, do you think petty hate online will affect me? I am someone who been through so much more hardships and difficulties than normal teenagers have in my life yet I am still so happy. right now. It's far from perfect, but I appreciate that I can look at people without wanting to hurt them, I can rationalise with myself, I have true friends who stick by myself, my academics are decent and I have wonderful relationships with my families. (I can even dig out my own hate in my ask.fm from as far as two years back and categorise them in topic of relevance!)
I'm sure the question in many people's mind would be: Doesn't the hate get to you? Why don't you just delete your ask.fm so you don't have to deal with the hate anymore?
I'm not going to delete my ask.fm because I didn't do anything wrong, I don't need to hide or avoid! I say I've grown immune to hate and deep deep down in my heart I still really don't care. The hate is very funny sometimes, especially when it doesn't make sense.
Pardon some of my answers which were slightly immature haha, I was in sec 1.
To my haters: Call me attention seeking for being honest on my blog posts, for not being ashamed of my happy family, for being able to embrace my background. Call me anything you'll like, that's not going to stop me from doing what I want, it'll just make me stronger, along with all the other rubbish I've dealt with for the past 5 years. Find new things to hate on about, I'll love to see how creative you can get.
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As always, thanks for reading everything! Please feel free to leave your thoughts and opinions on this blog post and online hate/cyber bullying down in the comments bar below! (There have been some problems but I've fixed it already)
❤,
Jermainex
6 comments
jermaine!! I saw what you had written and I find that you're actually a rlly brave person!! JIAYOU okay!! I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT OTHERS THINK!!
ReplyDeleteswear, your bullies are on bitch pills. Dun listen to them. As long as I like you, it doesnt matter. And that's sayin something cuz I ain't very social. Sorry I havent been keeping in touch. Trying to navigate sec 3 life too.
ReplyDeleteYou haven't done anything wrong, uploading your covers was a personal choice and the only people who made bad choices were your haters. Again, stop shaming people for their decisions unless they hurt other people, then victimise yourselves and blame them instead.
ReplyDeleteHI JERMAINE ! It's been so long since I've last talked to you (: idk whether if we're still friends or acquaintances BUT I just read ur latest blogpost and I feel that you're so brave to blog about your life and the hate you've got for like SO LONG . RESPECT ✌️�� haha that's all what I wanted to say ... Stay strong �� (: #hatersgoannahate #shakeitoff
ReplyDeleteKAYS BYE :P
apparently i can tell u r trying to b naice i really can tell i'm serious like u treat me differently from sec1 and the only piece of thing i can tell u is yes u have to tolerant it coz ppl judge u based on first impression. i experienced it too. just erm ignore it i guess? i do that haha and create a good impression when u move on to your tertiary level -jc or poly whatever. the only thing i want to ask u is why u even CARE to post this when u say SO WHAT. This is just something i wanna tell u it's really your choice to accept it or defend it:)
ReplyDeletetsk tsk i'm in the same school, same cohort, and probably someone related in something in OBS
Hi there! I am a teacher from Singapore and I came across your blog. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I struggled whether to post this comment but I think I should, as an educator of the nation. I have some reflections which perhaps you may want to take to heart. Not meant to be a "lecture" definitely..just wanted to share :)
ReplyDelete1) It is good that you are confident of yourself, and indeed your writing reveals that you have been through some challenges in life that moulded you to be who you are today - perhaps much more rugged and confident than many of your folks in school. I can't imagine this happening to myself in secondary school more than a decade back. It is painful and depressing to receive these nasty comments at this teenage period of your lives where most people seek comfort and affirmation through cliques/friends. This may lead us to do things that may be less than merciful, kind and just to those around us. As such, I want to encourage you to continue to be strong and confident and take these comments with a pinch of salt, as you have.
2)Secondly, it is indeed heartening to know that you also recognize your own flaws, and that you try to be a better person. No one is perfect and we learn everyday, from our mistakes. Our mistakes are our best teachers! I want to encourage you to practise self-forgiveness, and forgiveness to those who have hurt/said nasty things to you. The perils of a platform like FM is that anyone can hide behind their keyboards and dish out antagonistic and abrasive words.I am wondering, have you considered deleting this FM thing? I am only afraid that it is not a very meaningful platform for you at this moment in your life, but I guess it is up to you :)
3) As a general rule of thumb, we can grow up to be better, more loving, and more humble people if we are more self-aware of who we are (not). I guess we are still discovering ourselves everyday too! You may wanna take this Myers Brigs test (http://www.16personalities.com/personality-types) to better understand yourself, and to improve/ restore relationships.
In the course of life, of course, do be patient with yourself and with others :))
As an educator in the Singapore civil service, I am truly concerned for you and I hope this does not come across as being "preachy". All the best as you continue with your studies!